Thanks to all of you. "Stuffing of feelings" is a great way to describe me. I did it for 7 years of our marriage and did for the last year as we got through the chaos.
I know in my heart of hearts that he knows why I left him, and talking to him about the past would do nothing about the past for either of us. Frankly, it could cause more issues.
I just need to keep doing what I am doing...feeling the emotions (some days I just have tears that randomly come). But, I think it is a good feeling to actually "feel" them.
I got a chance to visit with a girlfriend last night, and told her I want more time with her - I really neglected my friends as I worked through the chaos. It was difficult to get with friends both from a time and financial perspective (having to hire a sitter to watch our daughter, feeling guilty about being away from he toor). However, I was just on a business trip and during that time I got a massage and had 3 hours ALONE in my hotel room (that was decadence to me) and I realized that was just what the dr ordered. Time for me helps me find "me" and be a better mom.
I am committed to taking care of me - getting exercise, seeing friends, getting a massage or pedicure now or then.
Also - I am taking our daughter to Disneyland next week and am so excited to create some memories together.
Thanks for the wisdom - SR has been, and will continue to be, so helpful in my healing process.