I am going to get a divorce. I want to move on with my life. I will have to consult an attorney because I can't work out an amicable agreement with someone who lies. It will cost more but I don't want to have to work anything out with him anymore. I will claim my bedroom and bathroom. I will tell him we are roommates until either of us decides to move out. I will no longer act as a wife. I will no longer organize his meds, make his lunch, clean up after him, wash his clothes, do his errands, make his appts., have any kind of deep conversations, go anywhere with him...in turn I will have to be more independent....but to be honest he doesn't sleep with me anyway and when I've had car trouble, I have taken care of it myself. I no longer want to go so low emotionally that I act insane and I have to live in a clean, sober relatively cheap but safe apt. My higher power will guide me through the rough spots and I have a sponsor and a couple of friends. I am tired of his suicidal threats, telling me he burnt himself with a curling iron because he was in so much pain he needed to feel more. Telling me he doesn't want to lose me.....blah, blah blah bs.
I am so gullible. I believed his lies but he tricked me again and I'm done. I know he will come at me with accusations, defensiveness, anger, manipulations...but I'm working the program. Well good for you...hope ya make it.
There are many options. I don't much like the city I live in but I do have a small support group here. I can get a three month rental. I will have to figure out where to go over the weekend as I just don't want to stay here and I don't know anyone well enough to couch surf.
I tried, I hoped, I so wanted the marriage to work...8 years. But I have to let go. I can not get that insane again. I just can not do this anymore. I know I will miss him. How to go through this and stay strong without guilt...guilt for what...I gave it my all. Just a lot of years. I am 49 but I look 35. I will have to get a job. I have not been able to work due to a torn rotater cuff and am awaiting a workman's comp case in May...so until then...I will try to keep my cool and try to figure out what is good for me. I guess I don't know that all the time.
Thanks for listening.