Its been my experience that a lot of doctors and psychotherapist dont truly know or understand alcoholism and at best have a general knowledge about the disease. In some ways its like talking to a lay person.
Its taken me about 18 months of reading books, studying, learning, going to Al-anon and coming to SR almost daily to have a better understanding of alcoholism and its effects on my AH and family. I have lived with it for 24 yrs too and so have first hand knowledge of the disease and its implications to my family's health, mental health and well-being.
Most Doctors do not get anywhere near this kind of training!
Even with all my knowledge and experience, this was still not enough to 'help' my AH come out of the denial that was his alcoholism. I did however get enough knowledge about alcoholism to realise that I cant change my husband, cant control or didn't cause my husbands alcoholism.
Your XAH is an alcoholic, they are in denial, selfish and live in chaos and so will you if you keep expecting to 'help' him when he is quite clearly not ready for help.
Have you been to Al-anon?
Have you read the book 'Under the Influence' by Milam and Ketchum?
If not - Can I kindly suggest that you do. You cant change your XAH unless he wants to change but you can change you.