Welcome to SR, kayelle. It took a lot of courage to tell us your story so honestly.
You sound terribly alone and isolated. Many of us recognize your situation of being held hostage to an alcoholic. The inconsistency of his affections keep us tethered to him. He is loving and warm and we surrender. Then he splits into the addict personality and is hard and cold and we are bereft and beg for his attention and affection.
It is a relationship of dominance and submission. It is intense. So the good times are intense and the bad times are intense. We slowly adapt to this crisis atmosphere until it becomes our normal way of life.
Yes, many alcoholics can be very charming and lovely when they are up. My AH was a college professor and adored by his students who hung on his every word. He was one of the most interesting men I have ever known. And a monster when drunk. The lovely days were lovely enough that I kept giving him second chances to get sober. But he just couldn't. Some just can't. I couldn't understand why he couldn't just stop drinking, why he became a different man when he was drunk, and why he so resented me when I was loving to him.
But I read about alcoholism and the organic biological changes to the brain of an alcoholic and about the way the primitive part of the brain--which has no morals--overtakes the developed part of the brain--which is spiritual and empathic. And I was able to accept my powerlessness to change his brain.
Recovery for an alcoholic is a slow, deep, shift in consciousness and it happens when an alcoholic, over time, works with other alcoholics and counselors. We cannot give an alcoholic anything he needs. What he needs will not come from us.
I know how painful your life is. I am glad you found SR. Reading this site keeps me in reality and helps me accept it. Mental health is not so much about feeling happy. It is about accepting reality. That's what SR can help you with.