Hi Kayelle,
Welcome. He is not two people... he is one person. I never wanted to believe that about my XA as I romanticized his sober behavior and villianized the alcohol to perpetuate the "victimhood" of my A to his "disease".
Being a class A opportunist that 99% of all alcoholics are he happily played the part that I signaled with my own behaviors an expectations to take advantage of the fantasy that I desperately wanted to believe would come true.
My story with my A is all written and it was not the happy ending I envisioned... yours is now being written one heartbreak at a time. I closed the last chapter two months ago after four years of rehabs, AA meetings, hospitals, jails, court cases, counseling with pastors, psychiatrists, alanon, dozens of books on the subject matter.
You are the author of your story... you are creating your future one decision at a time. Life is series of choices that determine our destiny.
For the last year and half of my story it looked good on the outside to others... he was sober, working and had achieved mending many broken relationships with family members. But I saw troubling signs that his recovery was taking a back seat to other things. Meetings became less frequent until they were just not a part of his life. His Big Book and spirtual time became a two minute devotion reading.
Fortunately for me I had spent the year and half on this website every night. Instead of reading books about alcoholism I had book after book on Adult Children of Alcoholics and Codependency. I had gone to counseling for myself and attended alanon.
I knew that an A who wasn't treating his alcoholism was going to relapse just an alcoholic that isn't EFFECTIVELY treating his alcoholism isn't going to get sober!
I had told him I had no more relapses in me... I was a washrag that was wrung out. That if he played russian roulette with his sobriety and drank I was DONE... period.
He drank. No surprise on my end. I packed his stuff on day one. He flew to Vegas and has been there for over two months now. Abandoned all of his responsibilities with his business interests and partners as well as his two preteen kids.
And thats how it is when we decide to hitch our wagon to the alcoholic star... we can suffer stoicly and by sheer force of will and determination DRAG them to being dry drunks for even long periods of time. But it is a time bomb ticking and just waiting until it will explode again into full blown alcoholism.
The only way a partner of an alcoholic has any hope of a GOOD life... a somewhat normal life with an A is if they want it as much we do and they are willing to whatever it takes to become WELL... healthy mentally and spiritually fit.
That takes WORK... daily hard work. It takes commitment. determination. desire.
character. faith. real love (not empty promises and words).
My A had moments of this. Even months at a time. Usually with some big consequence over his head to motivate. Once that was removed the party started and alcohol would be back in full force.
Only you can decide what you are willing to settle for but your A isn't motivated and interested in real recovery. And as an ACOA I beg you not to even consider children with a person who is has not been healthy and sober for at least 2 years... even then you are going to have children that very possibly carry the addictive presdisposition to addiction.
Prepare for the worst instead of fantasizing for the best to happen. Get a good counselor for YOURSELF... one who knows addiction. Get in a good alanon group. Read books on codependency... all of them you can get your hands on. Hang out with us girls who have been there and have the tshirts and scars to prove it.
Be ready in season and out of season. If he gets better it won't be because of your handwringing and tears... in fact the opposite. Your drying your tears and moving forward in YOUR life will get his attention!
You can make it. You can change your life! Take care of you and give your A to his higher power as that is the only one who can really help him.