Hey Spybee,
I'm only on Day 3 so I'm not gonna pretend I'm as knowledgeable as the others round here but I can relate to that mental battle you've been having with yourself. What I can say is that since I began posting here I've (a) experienced amazing support (b) articulated in black and white my innermost fears and thus acknowledged them (c) understood from reading other people's stories that there is nothing special about my problem - all the negatives are pretty much universal (d) made a commitment by posting regularly to engage with my problem and do something about it.
WELCOME!