Originally Posted by
Chino 
waiting, you mentioned staring and people seeing you, and it seems to cause you extreme discomfort. Whatever the reasons, I hope you find a solution that works for you.
That really stems back to my childhood too Chino..
I think it started when I was really young. I remember my family always watching my very move, and when I'd tell them to stop they'd keep watching me, even while eating and that made me angrier than anything for whatever reason. It took me years to get over yelling at people just for looking at me.
My family is twisted. I guess they found my reactions to their actions amusing.. which is a testament to how sick they all were.
I'm pretty much completely over that nowadays, but as for the meeting portion..
Well, I realized yesterday that I think what's holding me back from attending real face to face meetings is that I don't want to bring any more drug/alcohol related "baggage" into my life.
I'd really like to put everything behind me. I guess this is al part of my recovery too, and I'm sure in a week or two I'll end up rethinking this also...
But every time I do meet someone else I think I could be friends with, then I find out they are in recovery.. I run! It's completely messed up, maybe a little selfish,whatever. I don't know WHAT to say about that, but it has happened 3 or 4 times within the past 6 months and I avoided pursuing the friendship at all costs. I have enough emotional baggage tied to recovery, and I just don't want to take on someone else's.. And yes, I am in a long term committed relationship with an RA, but some part of me says, "You cannot become friends with an A or an RA because no good will come of it"
I know its likely there will be a lot to say about that, but theres nothing you can say that I havent thought.
I'm just trying to look inside and examine what it is thats really keeping me from meetings.
Ultimately: fear.