I'll be waiting...
When I read your posts I feel a sense of pain...and to me it reminds me of my own pain, my own sense of being "traumatized" by my choice of being in relationship with, of being in love with, a person who struggled with addiction. His DOC was/is (?) crack. I am in recovery from alcoholism.
I realize that I might open a can of worms here...but I really do think that there are differences in the intensities of addictions. My ability to find some stable recovery from alcoholism has included a lot of solid work in meetings, therapy and some weekend retreats. It has taken a lot of digging, honesty, and a strong commitment to my desire for life and integrity.
I have NOT had to deal with the total insanity of the brain chemistry and the physiology of crack triggers. My own downward spiral of alcoholism was different. Yes, different. (can of worms...) I really believe that. My problem was that I EXPECTED his recovery to be similar. I had always heard to look for the similarities, that the program was simple...maybe it really isn't that simple when you have mental illness AND crack addiction combined.
This is an important part of my story, because it includes how my EXPECTATIONS thrived...and how these expectations fortified my reactions/triggers/trauma.
In my story...I had to let go. I realized that the traumatization of relapse after relapse was causing grave disturbances in my quality of life, in my spirit, sense of well being, in my personality.
I had expectations. I do still. When someone I love promises me all of the deeply beautiful parts of partnership then my heart opens wide up...and I open my love and care and friendship and partnership to that person. But then, with the repeating relapses I get spiritually whip lashed into the sense/logic that the promises are a false reality. Yes, I believe that the promises he made were perhaps heartfelt. I love him. But you know what...his addiction to crack steals away the possibilities of those promises.
I believe...I love...He relapses...I react...We split...He promises...I believe....I love....etc etc etc.
I had to let go of my expectations. My expectations (hope, love, desire for long term partnership....) demanded that he be able to stand with integrity in the reality of making relationship promises true. Without the promise and the expectations...what I discovered is that I was dating an active addict.
That, I couldn't live with. I cannot live with an active addict. The reality of living with an active addict (he would relapse every 3-6 months) is WAY WAY WAY different then the promises that were being made.
I was getting emotionally whip lashed between the promise and the reality. It is traumatizing. The trigger looks like this: when I drive by the corner store that sells "crack pipes", when I see a white cadillac, when I see a drug dealer in the hood nearby, etc etc etc. Those triggers re-traumatize me.
Those traumas go way way way back to my childhood. To not getting the love I needed. Neglect is TRAUMATIZING! as much as abuse.
I finally let go of the love that was traumatizing me. It took a lot of work. If you are not able/willing/interested in going to meetings, getting some therapy...and if you react with emotional defense to someone on this board simply, objectively, and with CARE and concern for you...simply pointing out that you are an Adult Child of an Alcoholic...well just sit quietly with your feeling at that defensiveness. Your defensiveness is trying to keep you from feeling the hurt.
There are really really awesome people, concepts, tools, methods, processes, ideas, books, and proven ways to get healthy. If you commit to the process, the path, of discovering a life without trauma and pain...and thus the beginning of the path to discovering love without hurt...then you will begin a healing process that will be a great gift to your life and the life of your child.
If you do not commit to healing, then you put yourself, your spirit, your heart, your day by day life, and the life of your child in the path of re-injury and continued whip lash and trauma.
Alcoholism. addiction, codependency, adult children...we ALL have had to deal with a DIS-EASE of PERCEPTION. If you do not open your mind you will stay in the dark of hurt.
We care about you here. You may not hear what you want to hear...
I have often not heard what I want to hear.
Sometimes it takes weeks to hear it. People in recovery care for one another. We speak from the heart, with experience and hope.
Peace.