illbewaiting

I'm more than well aware of "what I am", thank you.
I have no set definition. I am me. I have overcome a lot of obstacles in my life, and this is no different.
I am dealing with a lot of stuff, who isn't? Everyone meets challenges every day, all over the world. I am no different. I just take it one minute,hour,day,step at a time. That's all I can do, and that's how I've gotten as far as I am and I have no intention of stopping now.
As I said before, I cannot physically make it to a meeting at this time, and I'm not entirely sure that I want to. I have seen a lot of negative posts about people attending meetings, and that kind of throws me off of the idea.
Also, as I said before, I am trying to re work my schedule so that I can sit in on at least one online meeting a week. I prefer them because no one has to see me/I don't have to share unless I want to.
Counseling is pretty much out of the question for me too.
I have had a few "shrinks" over the years, mostly during my pre-teen, early teen years.. and it never really worked out.
I was always very uncomfortable. That was a time when I could barely stand people looking at me, let alone staring at me while I was pouring my heart and soul out.. and I would always get these women STARING right at me, not moving a muscle, pulling the old "how does/did that make you feel" routine.. It got to the point where I would have break downs/anxiety attacks in the parking lot and stopped going.
The thought of going in there for an hour and paying someone to stare at me while I talked and they said close to nothing back was starting to do more bad than good for me.
I like to think it would be different now that I'm older and a lot more mature and have the ability to look differently at life, but there's no telling.
I have contacted psychologists in my area, a few dealing specifically with drug counseling, etc, but I have yet to secure an appointment.
I guess I just have different ways of dealing with things, and paying a stranger to listen to me spill the beans has never proved to do much for me..
Really, all they ever want to do is put me on various medications and that only works for a few months at a time and afterwards I feel like a walking zombie incapable of feelings.
And assuming I did get back on all the meds they'd be shoving down my throat, I'd have to worry about those, and feel obligated to lock them away just to assure myself that my fiance wouldn't be tempted to take them from me.
That's just extra baggage I don't need.
I do better without the counseling and prescription drugs. Pills have never been a friend of mine.. they whack me out.
I'm working through it all.
My fiance and I have discussed counseling together, we're both nervous about the idea, but it could be different if we went together. Don't know if we'll try, but we won't know until we do.
I'm rambling. I started this comment off feeling a bit angry.. now I'm pretty relaxed.
Rambling on here usually makes me feel better. Writing everything out is my own form of counseling I suppose :P
Anyway, that's enough for today. Have a good day. Hope the weather is nice where you all are.