hey, I am manicy from med change and I am here to talk with you all you want.
I got a new caseworker a few months ago. She was really exasperated and called me out on that my earlier treatment goal had been only this: get my meds right and stay the hell out of the hospital!!! My news for her is that is still numero uno for me.
Trial and error we found out that remeron removes any suicidal thinking for me....I have come to be a true believer in that state of mind is very much chemical and there is little chance of any treatment helping until that is completely addressed properly and that is a humongous thing in and of itself. It takes a clear mind to work on any issues.
Your meds aren't working for you. That is not a character defect or fault for you to carry as one. NORMAL people do not wait until they are in so much pain they are ready to die of it or plagued with it to go to a hospital. You are NOT whining. Since one of my MAIN and BASIC goals is to stay the hell out of the hospital, I have to keep a keen eye out for trouble and RUN not walk to tell on myself. You are doing that tomorrow.
The meds runaround is absolute hell, everyone I know utterly loathes it for very good reasons. We have found a regimen that keeps me safe and has had me healing but I am still wanting to change it up for numerous reasons. One is so that I can qualify to sell plasma!!! I NEED some income that badly.......if I were ABLE to work, I sure would prefer to have that normal option.
FWIW my wealthy sister takes care of the family by paying for my private pdr so that there is not another suicide (or the risk and fear of one) in the family. I am grateful and very dependent upon that help. I am realistic enough finally to full on be pursuing disability. It sucks. But I don't have to like my sister because she does this and in fact....I don't like her. She is all about power and control and has an alcohol centered lifestyle.
I have the best neighbors in the world.an older couple, she sure has been good to me and I am not available to give back in the same way. but they were outside when I was going to my pdr Friday and I stepped up to say hi to them, told them I was headed to my dr and he joked that I needed a head dr. I didn't miss a beat, said as a matter of fact that is just where I WAS going. LOL, I am outside and not in my pajamas...something must be going on
They really like us because the previous folks who lived here had a domestic abuse situation and they were subjected to hearing all that filth and at times could not even let their grandkids out on the porch.
We are real peaceful, all our pains are internal.
And I could get dressed better if my meds had not put a ton of weight on me until I really did not have anything to wear nor funds to purchase a wardrobe.
I guess this is where being a faithful codie comes in handy
, I can think up a million realistic reasons to be depressed but give me a glimmer of hope and I will hang onto that hope for potential with all I got.......I am just doing it to me rather than someone else and I am fully compliant with my treatment program so it gets called being in recovery.
I really understand being discouraged......going for help for decades, misdiagnosed, misprecribed and not knowing any better, thinking it was all my fault and HATING Those damned ads that said depression is treatable...see your dr. Made me want to puke and spit at the ad and both at the same time....and now the gross irony that it seems to be true but has just been THAT hard for me to find and get. and at the same time slobberingly grateful for modern neuroscience!
Turns out mine is treatment resistant and having been the lab rat enough to qualify to be able to check off almost everything as a "yup, tried that"....it makes it LESS likely that any of those meds will work for me, if I go off one that is working....I can't later come back and expect it to do the same thing....work for me again.
I have never phoned the hotline, glad to hear from you that they are good listeners.
finding a sense of humor, however warped it may be, keeps me from going over the edge most of the time.
((((hugs)))))))