Thanks Live...need to hear that I am not JUST a whiner..though I own that often enough I am one.
I am teeter tottering wondering if my current state of mind is acceptance or giving up.
I read on that other thread, someone's response about suicide, suicidal feelings that no survivors of a suicide (I mean the friends and families of) EVER say "boy are we glad that;s over with, we were tired of dealing with their shenanegans"
well, not trying to be a jerk, but I HAVE heard that. My brother in law committed suicide many years ago, and yeah, we were glad he and WE were at peace, he clearly wasn't getting better.
I'm not advocating suicide or making excuses, but mentally ill people have a chronic sometimes fatal disease. And we address it as best as we can for as long as we can, but sometimes people die of it, and sometimes it's a relief to those around them. I'm not talking about dude who suddenly overdoses cause he lost his job, I'm talking about people who have decades of serious episodes of mental illness behind them. and their friends and family are worn out of trying to help or save them.
I don't think suicide is the answer, and yet I woke up this morning plotting one. Why? No clue. Nothing wrong with me, nice day, day off, everything is fine. I'm suicidal. Makes no sense to anyone, I understand, it makes no sense to ME either, but there it is the sort of crap I have to keep mum about and "fight" day in and day out.
I don't want to die, I don't want to kill myself. I want the voices to stop. I want the hallucinations to go away. I want the messed up hopeless paranoia to dissipate. I want to stop slashing words into my flesh. I want to be able to hold a job that maximizes my skills and talents. I want a healthy relationship.
I don't want bad things.
People talk about their jobs, grandkids, hobbies, health all the time, and it's ok. But if you're problem is mental health, better shut the F up about it, because people get real antsy and angry real quick.
I'm not saying I blame them, but when I hear the laundry list of "what to do if you're suicidal" it burns me up. The only people I've ever found it OK to actually talk to is the suicide hotline. Therapists are bound to have me locked up. Anonymity is the name of the game. Real people get angry or scared off.
if there was a point to my post I lost it. I feel real discouraged