oh wow.
this theme of trauma and losses despite best efforts and so weary, wary, TIRED of it and starting over again that I just can't seem to find my "give a damn" wound up being the topic of my last therapy session Friday.
and it wasn't on my planned agenda of things to discuss.
Neither guilt nor apathy work out as coping mechanisms.
I put what little energy I do have into my wellness plan.
It is SLOW going. LMAO.
My assignment is to go back and explore when I last had my "give a damn" how I lost it and etc.
I came home with that thought and had the urge to send my therapist an email that says "damn you!" and he is an uber kind gentle sort of guy. hahahahaha
Because: I know the answer vaguely and where I have to go to look....right straight to that very most wounded and unhealed place/event that uprooted me much as a tornado does a tree and just as suddenly and unexpectedly.
And I really would PREFER to treat it like a tornado and just toss or bury the debris.
In the mean time I HAVE brought positives into my life, so now I want to be able to enjoy and invest in them.
Life is difficult and messy. Far moreso when a mental illness is involved. I have bipolar I, non-psychotic but go straight into ever worse mixed episodes when unwell. Um, I think maybe they are a form of psychotic????
I really really cannot afford in any part of me to get that unwell again.
I really feel I could have written much of your last post.
mental illness episodically blowing up my life and non recovery from my last divorce, but I do from all my time spent here and in counseling have very firm boundaries about not letting intoxicated people in my life. It is too damaging and disturbing to me.
I did choose as my new mate a very very good person who also has mental health issues.
letting family go due to their expectations and demands and/or disrespect & abuse has been an ongoing thing in counseling for 25 years. we are pretty clearly in different places in our lives and our paths don't intersect much, if at all. that has been most certainly a process that changes all the time.
wishing you peace and wellness, glad your are seeing your dr.