NYC,
You make good points. Right now, unfortunately, I am feeling really apathetic about pretty much everything, with bizarre spurts of anger, then more apathy.
Post divorce paralyses? Depression...for sure. On meds etc, seeing doc tomorrow.
What I want for myself, I see through a misty haze. I want to curl up and rest. I want a "normal" life, but have no idea how to get it. I want to feel some hope that THIS time, my investment of my whole self into something isn't going to go bust. I've had that happen in many many many areas of my life in the past five years. Nearly everything I'd spent decades building, went bust.
I hope this is a temporary state, part of a normal grieving process, but I worry that it may not be. What if I don't pull out?
Is this what I want for my life? No, not really, but I've learned pretty bluntly that what I want for my life doesn't much matter. I feel like this is the best I can hope for. That at the end of the day, after all I've worked for, hoped for, invested in. this is what I have.
I am grateful for this much right now.
I feel like that must be wrong...but don't know. I mean, I really really really put myself into so many good things. And I was so grateful, lived that gratitude. Mental illness strikes again and poof! all gone.
I don't know where to find the motivation to do this over and over and over again.