Well, I tried Al-Anon too and the woman leading the meeting struck me as so co-dependent, I had no respect for her and quit going. She had an alcoholic husband that she lived with and I guess practiced detachment with, and a drug addicted son that she let live at home, unemployed, doing drugs, because as she said, "At least I know he isn't out on the streets". I thought, holy moses, how do I learn to not be co-dependent when the leader is clearly co-dependent herself!
Not every AA or AlAnon program is necessarily helpful--each group is as varied as the people involved. If you feel it's not working for you, it's okay to use your judgement and seek alternatives to help you get through and be strong.
I've heard people in recovery need to focus on their recovery first, but my uncle (sober 20 years now) went to outpatient rehab five nights a week after work and AA and still did very well at work and devoted time to his very neglected wife, while recovering. Over 20 years later, they have a great marriage and are so very happy. He never relapsed, either, and has been a sponsor to many. So, I don't know. It seems there is no cut-and-dry answer. Some people use AA, some use other groups, some use a religious counselor, and some just see the light and quit drinking. And every person is different in terms of how they handle their careers, families, partners, etc. while in recovery.
If your husband is in a program that de-emphasizes his involvement in his marriage right now, well, that's what he's choosing. I don't necessarily feel that's helpful for everyone because many people's main source of support and sanity is their loved ones and to neglect the relationships can mean losing important support during recovery. Yet, AA may be offering unique support that you can't, since you are not an alcoholic and don't have lived experience with it. Maybe that's what he needs right now and you have no choice but to live with it, or to leave/detach.
I guess to wrap it up, your husband is choosing what he's choosing and you have to decide what kind of support YOU need and how to get it. If he can't be there for you right now, please do seek out the support of friends and family and spend time doing things that make you happy. I think a good AlAnon group could help you in those ways. For me, spending time with other family members of alcoholics in AlAnon made me stressed out--I did not want to spend my spare time thinking about alcoholism. I needed to just go out for lunch with happy friends, go to yoga, enjoy my craft hobbies. I also heard too many conflicting things about how to be in a relationship with an alcoholic--set boundaries and let him know if you are unhappy versus stay positive so you don't make him feel bad, etc. But as I said, it may have been that particular group was not a good fit for me.
I also found that labeling myself as codependent made me depressed. I wasn't codependent in other relationships, only the one with the alcoholic, and I felt that was a result of his emotional abuse and manipulation. Take the alcoholic out of my life and then I'm not exhibiting any codependent behaviors--that works for me.
