Relationships+mental illness+addiction
Sigh...
I occasionally read the Family and Friends forum here. Occasionally only because I find it very painful to read.
I find myself full of anger and frustration when I read it. I can identify with both "sides" of relationships in addiction. I am not pretending that I was a charm to live with, not with my mental illness, nor the couple of years of active substance abuse. But he is who he is as well.
My current boyfriend is an alcoholic, and while I don't think he is mentally ill, he does suffer depression and multiple addictions. Maybe that's the same thing, I really don't know.
I had no clue he was an addict when I met and began dating him, at least not consciouly. When I realized it, I figured I didn't deserve any better, after all, look at what I am. No normal guy should be saddled with me.
My ABF is not a bad man, he is a lonely scared angry lost man. I am a lonely scared angry lost woman. We are attempting to find our way, with varying success and failure as time goes by.
Should I dump him until or unless he gets into a solid recovery program? Honestly, even if he did, I wouldn't be encouraged to think it's going to make much difference. I've been in recovery for three years and I don't seem to have made much progress. I may not drink and drug to excess but I'm still pretty nutty.
I don't know how to have a "normal" relationship. I don't know how to be grown up and self sufficient and "ok". Relationships bring out the best and worst in me. I feel like, with the booze and pills, I need to just NOT go there.
If I can't moderate my use of those substances, how can I believe I can learn to moderate myself in relationships?
On F&F forum I read posts about how selfish, narcissistic, immature, lying, thieving, a-holes we addicts are. And who am I to disagree? My own sense of guilt and shame is not misplaced.
It's impossible to have a relationship with me. I know this from trying to have my own relationship with me. So what happens now?
Has anyone out there with mental illness and addiction been able to maintain a healthy relationship?
My ABF and I have worked out some half assed deal where he is able to pull together a semi sober day once a week or so and we have a nice date and sex, then he isolates with beer for another 6 days. It's not perfect, but it's something.
I do the same thing as far as my extended family and kids go. I live 2000 miles away and only keep occasional contact with them, when I can pull it together and act normal. Then I retreat into my lonely hell and try not to bug anyone until I can behave myself.
Is this the best I can hope for?