Is there a library near you, jolinda?
If so, one thing you can do for yourself is go sit in the library and read the books there on addiction and codependency or on grief or anything about passages through life. It helps to get out of the house. The writers in the books can help you for now. Many libraries are open in the evening and of course on weekends. You can imagine an angel sitting next to you as you read. Helping you not return to someone who will hurt you.
As well, churches often have self-help groups, people just trying to grow more spiritual. If you aren't of a particular denomination, you could look into a more relaxed church like a Unity or Unitarian.
Of course, any 12 step group online could also help, if you can't make one in person. Al-Anon has meetings online.
We go through times of wilderness in our lives, as lost any any child in the woods. It is necessary. For something new to be born, something old has to die. The person we used to be, the kind of life we used to live.....and it hurts, this grief of letting go of the old when something new has not yet appeared for us. People are impatient. They don't want to have to pay a price for change. They don't want to have to feel lonely and lost. They're afraid it's permanent.
But all the great stories, the myths, the Easter story, all the great stories tell us that we have to be lost for awhile, we have to bear with our suffering, if we want to live authentic and meaningful lives.
In one of my lost times I remember being new in a city where I had no friends and had left a relationship with an A I thought I'd have forever. I got a lot of recovery books and I sat in Starbucks for hours and read. I would look around at the tables of people with their friends or their lovers and I would wish I had not lost what I had, and was not so lonely.
But going back to an addict was not an option. And I was forced to rely on myself to survive. I did this for a year before things changed for me. You can do this, too, jolinda. Don't give up on yourself. Just hang on. New life is on the way. But God wants you to sit with this right now. It is part of your destiny. You are strong enough and can bear it. Life is asking you to grow and you can.
I'm glad you posted. Even SR can sit with you. God bless you today as you find your way.