Jalapeno, i'm sorry to hear that about your son. How are you doing?
Can't, the only explanation I can think of for myself is compartmentalization! I put his abuse of me in some separate and handy little box that I refused to see as the works of the real him. That is his evil twin, but he has a sweet side that my longing for has kept me trapped. It is a sick little mind game I have played with myself and have driven my loved ones crazy with. Its a cycle I am trying to break! I'm making progress thankfully.