In the recent past I've been feeling a bit tortured by thoughts of wanting to drink, or feeling it's unfair that I "can't" drink, etc. I know it's just the alcoholic part of my mind but I hate it and I kept praying for peace in sobriety, to just have that obsession go away and not want to drink, not even care about alcohol.
Well I believe I have made a small break-through, for which I am so grateful! This morning my boyfriend was talking about having his friend come over so they could watch the baseball game. It turns out the friend's girlfriend is coming over too (they are mutual friends -- friends of his that are now friends of mine and that we fairly often hang out with). I imagined what they would be doing-- sitting around drinking, and I seriously felt like, "no thanks, I'll pass." I don't mean I don't want to hang out with them/watch some of the baseball game necessarily, but I just have no interest in sitting there with a drink. My evenings have been full of going to AA meetings and talking with my sponsor and other friends in AA, going to the gym to work out, running outside with my dogs, reading good novels like I always used to when I was younger, taking a bubble bath, cleaning my apartment, and of course watching movies or TV (sans alcohol) with my boyfriend... I've realized that there are so many better things to do than drink! It seriously didn't appeal to me one bit.
One thing I've learned from this is that actions help change my thinking. If I hadn't been working towards living the life I want to live, I would think that sitting around drinking sounded like a great plan, and would be "jealous" that I couldn't join in, or probably would eventually join in. But now I am trying to be true to myself and do what I really want to do, or not do what I don't want to do, or do the things I know I should do (responsibilities) even if I don't feel like doing it. It's paid off big time I guess!
I've been working on not getting too over-whelmed with things to do, yet also actually putting effort into the things I'm supposed to be doing. I shared yesterday how my friend wanted me to come to Vegas with her last-minute and I didn't, because I knew that was the opposite of the goals I've been working towards. And I think not going has done wonders for my psyche. It's like I'm realizing I'm strong enough to do things I know are best for me, rather than escaping my life/responsibilities and living to have "fun" and to please other people, and now the desire to drink is slowly lifting, and I hope it keeps on lifting.