Welcome to SR.
You are definitely in full-on codependency, as you probably realize.
In Al-Anon there is no cross-talk, meaning no one is to make comments on what a member shares during the meeting or to give advice to anyone during the meeting. If this happened to you in the group you went to, it is a dysfunctional group and you should seek out another one. (If the comments were made after the meeting was over, one to one, that is not a problem.)
It is unrealistic to expect your abf to go to AA and work a program and not to do the same yourself. Recovery is a 2 way street. So you will do well to find a new group you can stick with. If you stay with him, you will need to work a daily and vigorous recovery program of your own. Meetings and probably some counseling, for the duration of your union with him. We must never underestimate the effects of the disease on the addict nor on us. We are always at great risk of emotional and mental illness when the disease is present in the relationship, whether the addict is active or recovering.
Many addicts become addicts because they are unable to regulate their emotions. Many of them experienced trauma in childhood which led to shutdown of emotions. First it may have been dissociating from feelings. Then this led to substance abuse to escape feelings. Many RA's can remain sober and lead productive lives but also still suffer the inability to regulate emotions, to cope with feelings. Many RA's have a profound inability to trust in intimate relationship as they are afraid they will be overwhelmed by feelings and literally think they might not survive that. Unconsciously they may also be afraid that a failed relationship will send them back to the drink or the drug. It is a fact that many long-term sober people relapse after a failed relationship. Their partner did not cause the relapse.....the RA's inability to manage his feelings, though, did. Dr. Drew writes about this in his book "Cracked."
I also agree that he could be binge drinking when he disappears. If that is so, it will be revealed in time.
The core issue, however, is your raging codependency which has come alive the same way an addict's addiction comes alive when he takes a first drink after a long period of sobriety. You may think the disappearances are the core issue for you, but here we all know that really it is our obsession with the addict that is our problem, and our false sense of control over his disease.
I'm glad you found SR. Hope you receive the help you need.