Welcome Lorri. I am glad you found this forum and hope it helps you on your journey through this as it has helped me.
Vanishing act - well - not knowing your BF or you - the vanishing act often occurs when there is a binge. You say he is sober, are you sure about that? And when I ask, I mean actually sober, working a program or working through the issues that cause him to drink and act as he does.
I need a certain amount of alone time. But I don't cause my loved ones pain when I seek it.
Did the people who gave you counsel speak the truth? I have no idea. It is something to consider, though.
Taking a big step back, removing yourself temporarily from the situation that is making your life unmanageable, may help give you some clarity. Have you tried that yet? Putting the brakes on a bit? Clearing your head from the "love of my life" thinking and really looked honestly and realistically at this relationship and what it offers to you?
It's a lot of think about, and I know that feeling of being overwhelmed by it all. Backing away really helped me get my life back to the manageable stage where I could better function and make good decisions.
Keep reading and keep coming back!
~T