I'm almost starting to feel like this is a codependency test for the members on this forum ...
Here is my ESH. I was in my mid-thirties before I could see the dysfunctional patterns in my life. My mother is in her 70s and I doubt that she will ever see anything wrong with the way that she lives her life. The coping mechanisms that she learned early in life never got so bad that she actually thought that she needed help.
Maybe that's the same for you?
I'm assuming you came here to help your boyfriend. Since he's an addict, you wanted to read everything you could about helping HIM. You didn't come here because you felt like YOUR life was hitting bottom. It really doesn't make sense to talk about YOUR recovery when you think everything is wonderful in your life.
I dragged my sorry butt to an ACA meeting when I felt like my life was out of control. I relied on external approval to feel good about myself, I had no personal opinions (that I was willing to share) because I wanted everyone to like me and I couldn't stand conflict, I was spending more time volunteering than I was looking after my own home because I wanted to feel needed and useful, ... I truly was a wreck.
My father was an alcoholic and our home was dysfunctional. Even after my father left the home, we were all into each other's business. My mother was always telling us how we should feel and what we should do. It wasn't advice. She truly thinks that she knows exactly what we need. Still does, even though my siblings and I are in our 40s. Dealing with someone like this is degrading and insulting. You learn to not trust your own feelings and judgement. It keeps you in a "child like" state, which is exactly what a codependent person wants. They want you to need them.
Dysfunctional homes are not just created due to alcoholism or drug addiction. Being raised by a parent with a mental illness, abandonment, and narcissism also produces similar results. I know people who come from homes where alcohol was never consumed, but because their parents were raised by alcoholics they still passed the dysfunction onto their children.
What I have learned from this thread is that I can still so easily get pulled into drama!
Thanks for letting me share.
db