My ex alcoholic asked me to marry him...twice. And I TOO would have married him...IF he had been sober.
I go through the exact same thing you are going through...every day. Which is the reason I joined Al Anon and now I'm addicted to meetings!
If I was to explain OUT LOUD to other people the dynamics of the relationship...they would say, "Sooooo why are you with him?"
And right NOW...I don't have a good answer.
I worry that growing up in an alcoholic household...I'm in love with the alcoholic TYPE...not the person.
I think we are in the same situation.
They do terrible things...and we love them.
This is why I am determined to get help...to break this cycle...
If I didn't have this board...I'd be obsessively calling him.
And I"m not...BECAUSE I found support here.