I'm sorry you are in so much pain. It is painful.
I agree with fourmaggie about some self care and self help activities being a good thing.
I wonder if you are grieving over the actual relationship with this man or over the dream you had of where your life would be? I ask because I know letting go of my dream, grieving that loss was even more painful then losing the man I'd known for 15+ years. I had emotionality left that man years before I actually left. I knew that *he* could not get me *there* but giving up on *there/my dream* and feeling that loss was quite overwhelming and very painful.
Give that some consideration. If you can separate it out in your head you can focus on the right thing. Meaning - you'll have less obsession with contacting the man if what you are really grieving for most is the dream he represented. At least it worked that way for me. He is an obstacle to that dream. Clear the path of obstacles so that you may walk into happiness. It is hard work for sure but you can get through it
