Ziney, alcohol will make you think & feel things you never would sober. I've been in that boat, try to quit, cave in, hate myself some more, sick of being defeated again & again. I wanted to give up, but it was usually when I'd been drinking or really hungover.
But I didn't give up fighting. I kept trying & trying, exhausting as it was & I finally made it out of the pit.
I know it seems hopeless & your MS exacerbates things but please don't do that.
You can quit. I did. I never thought I could. But that was the alcohol telling me that.
I've been sober almost 10 weeks & my life & thinking has done a complete 180. I am not who I was. I am so much better.
Don't give up. It will get better, just keep fighting. Your family loves you & needs you.
I can't believe I even thought about ending my life now. It has just begun.
You're in my thoughts & prayers hon.