muffin1707

...and I will tell you why. I'm not trying to illicit sympathy or talk me out of it. I don't see the point at this stage of my life. I am 60 years old. The last quarter of my miserable life. I knew it was going to be miserable sitting in the back seat of my Father's Oldsmobile. I was 8 years old. They were both alcoholics. My Mother being the worst. He was her enabler. She was diagnosed with cirrohsis of the liver in her early 30's and told she could not drink anymore. In and out of the hospital for years. My Father would still bring her the Imperial whiskey to drink. I hate him for that. She hated me for constantly watching her. I took that responsibility very young. I would watch her sneak drink and when she caught me she beat me. I didn't want her to die. Finally, the end was here and my Father and Brother were clueless or stupid. She was all yellow. The whites of her eyes, her skin, even her scalp. I was so depressed and knew this was it. She was hallucinaing badly. Calling the police on my brother. It is an ugly way to die. I was the only one in the room with her when she died. The last thing she said was... "look at the kittens." "Do you see the kittens?" She took her last gurgling breath and was gone. Anyway, sadly she passed in her early 40's. My life changed forever.

Today, I am taking the only thing I have of hers. Her sterling silver set to pawn. I'm broke. I can't feed my dogs, cats, chicken, or parrots. They are all I live for now.

I remember saying that I would never become my Mother. However, here I am just like her. I hated the sound of ice in a glass. My Father would climb the stair to the bedroom many times a night refilling their glasses. Just the sound of ice in a glass made me nuts. I said I would never drink like that. I was 16 years old.

I remember the exact time that I started to drink daily from morning to night. It was the night of Ground Hogs Day in 2007. That is when an F5 tornado destroyed my house, my barn, all of my fences, took down 100 year old trees and left me with nothing. My miniature horses were in their stalls when it hit. They lived but were hurt with daggers, flying missels, etc. They were terrified, as we all were.

My bigges worry was my Great Pyrenees ran away. He was all I was concerned about. I had to find him first. I put posters up. Called every Humane Society within 100 miles. I walked endlessly looking for him. Then my BFF's daughter saw him standing in the median of a huge hwy. and never stopped to get him. I'm done with her too. Once again strangers came to my aid. A young family with lots of children and a small house took "Big" in.
I will never forget them and gave them as much money as I had in appreciation. He is not the same dog to this day. As I am not the same person either. I had to give away my horses. They were not safe with all the boards and nails and I had no barn or fences left. I just finished putting up all new board pretty fencing.

Well, the night of the storm I was sleeping on the couch in the living room and POS husband was in the master bedroom. I knew it was coming I could feel the pressure. The lightening was non-stop. It was 3:00 in the morning. I fell off the couch and crawled screaming his name for help as trees are crashing through the roof and windows are breaking all over the place. I crawled to the guest bathroom where there is a stupid skylight. Well, that broke and trees and all kinds of stuff were crashing in on me and the dogs. Puppies too. He did absolutely nothing. After it was gone. I couldn't walk because I was shaking too badly. I finally stood up in the dark and fumbled to the bedroom where he was still lying on the bed with rain pouring on top of him. I said "I think a tornado just hit us" he said "You are crazy that was just a hail storm". And so, with that I went to the kitchen lit a candle opened the refrigerator and started drinking beer non-stop ever since then.

When the electricity came back on. The power company just rig it up temporarily. I was able to take a shower. I came out feeling better and I found that he had locked me in the bedroom. I looked out where the window used to be and saw him leaving. He never came back. He left me with this huge unbelievalbe mess to clean up all by myself. Huge trees crashed down with their root base that was at least 6ft tall all over my 5 acres.

I was and am still so depressed over all of this. How could he do that? What kind of monster does something like that.

I just kept on drinking and drinking and more drinking until 15 days ago.

But, I don't see the point. I guess my fate is that of my Mother's. As today I will pawn her silver.

Sorry, but it felt good to get this off my chest.

Muffin.