Alcohol as a reward
So many times in my life I have been dragged down by booze. The terror that I feel the next day. What did I do? What did I say? How much did I really drink? How am I going to make it into work? etc... the terror that comes with being an alcoholic.
The problem is somewhere deep down inside me there is a place that looks at alcohol as the ultimate reward. If I've had a good day, done well at work, played golf, coached my son's team, mowed the lawn, you name it... I'm actually looking forward to the reward (drinking) while I'm doing the activity. I've actually thought (recently) while playing golf that I need to shoot a better score just so drinking that night is more enjoyable. I feel like I am just programmed wrong.
The problem is when I start drinking, I don't just stop at 1 or even 10. So the reward turns into the terror the next day. So I'll stop for a while, only to be a "good boy" for a while then reward myself for not drinking by drinking. Insanity...
I don't drink for the party, I drink for sanity. When I drink life slows down for a while, it makes sense, I can see my place in this world very clearly while drinking. But then the 10th and 13th and 16th drink kicks in and I black out and wake up hungover and ashamed.
I must stop this cycle. I must find another way to live in this world with the bills, stress from work, kids, wife, etc... without needing to reward myself with drinking. It only brings me down.
Chris Rock had a joke once that said how people brag about never going to jail. His comment was "What you want, a COOKIE". I find a parrallel in that joke and my drinking. When I do just normal stuff my brain says "it's time to reward yourself with some drinks. It's my time. It's the only time that I feel like I am 100 percent at ease. It's sooooo great, right up until it's not. And it's not everytime... Why does my solution to life have to come with such horrible side effects? I may never know... I just hope that I can re program my brain to not seek reward all of the time.
I'm on day 2. I've been sober before 6 months is the longest stretch. But I always felt as if I was missing out on my peace. I just want peace and serenity and the only thing I've ever found to give me that (however brief and fleeting) is alcohol.
I need a different solution...
Good night all...