THEOjibway

I was in the same boat as you were. I went to AA and still drank after a meeting. I was bad. I had never ever drank after a meeting before. I chose to though because I lived a selfish nightmare that since I had moved out of my parents place I could do whatever I wanted without them knowing. So I drank. I got to the point where I stopped caring about AA. Sometimes I planned a night out to drink with a friend even after a meeting and yes.... even he was aware of my trying to quit but never said anything once I brought over the booze. free booze... who can argue that right? So when I planned to hang with him and drink for the night even after a meeting I decided I would drink even before a meeting!!! One night it was crazy, my friend and I planned to drink as soon as I got back and told him to pre drink whatever he had on hand and agreed and I drank with my dinner. I got to a buzz and had to really stop drinking because I had to get to the meeting. So there I was... sitting in a meeting, buzzed as hell and yet I wasn't upset... more less I wanted to just get out of there so I could drink. my next drink was sitting in my personal fridge by my basement bedroom waiting to be drank and thats all I ever thought the whole time was getting the drink in me so I could have "fun" with my friend.

Just related to that. I was lucky. I never lost my job... came close by a thread... had to prove ALOT to my boss I wanted my job and ended up at the bottom where I worked 1 shift a week for a couple of months. I had to move back home because the shift wasnt enough to cover my rent and groceries and cellphone bill. So basically I drank all my rent money away a 4 days before it was due and moved out within 5 days because I couldn't stay in the place anymore due to heavy drinkers living there... my landlord was a heavy drinker and daily.

I hope you can get some confidence back someday. It may take awhile but one day you'll be able to look back and say thank god I got out of that. 7 months ago I couldn't dream of where I was today, it seemed too good to be true. When I moved back into my parents home i was a wreck but luckily I had some "undeserved" time off and was able to go to aa everyday. I really hope you find inner peace. I wish I could offer more advice but I never lost everything as you did, just my self pride basically. good luck you're in the right place here at SR.com!