I was terrified of what would happen to me *if* I were to someday stop drinking. I imagined a great dark pit, cold and dark and bottomless. A silent scream would form in my mind whenever I thought about it.
The short story is that I quit drinking and learned that the fear of sobriety was due to the booze. The anxiety was due to the booze. Ditto for depression, guilt, shame, insomnia, blackouts, apathy, nausea, and a huge loss of self respect. How did I learn this? I put that bottle down.
That pit that I imagined has been replaced with a full life. It is painful at times, but there is joy and light and love too, and they are there in abundance. You can have that too, WarriorQueen. I think you deserve it. How about you?