I know what you mean about it being a "mental game". I was never beaten either, but my mom was extremely cruel with her words. The incessant belittling, berating, out of the blue freak outs over petty things, telling me how stupid I was, etc., was so damaging.
I find that I am constantly either cringing, waiting for someone to criticize me, or on the aggressive defense, waiting for someone to disapprove of me.
You are so not alone here. I act like the effing Queen of Hearts from Alice In Wonderland when things aren't going my way in my personal relationships. Or I go the opposite direction and feel hopeless, depressed, and full of panic.
I recently started seeing a psychotherapist for these issues, and I'm hoping that in addition to posting on here, I may slowly begin to find solutions (and actually make them an active part of my life) for these painful issues.
Thanks again for sharing. I've been mulling over my abandonment issues for the past few days, since my last therapy appointment, as I feel that it's a core part of my anxiety...so I'm thankful for the opportunity to share about this stuff.
And yeah, when I was in high school I had a boyfriend who was physically abusive, cheated on me, and was an overall nightmare. But I stayed with him for two years (that's a long time when you're in high school!) and would totally lose it if I thought he was going to leave. The relationship only ended when I found someone else to be in a relationship with. I still find myself dealing with the emotional wreckage of that relationship, and a few others that followed.
I'm really glad you found this forum, and thanks again for sharing your experience.
