Your situation sounds much like mine, and I speculate many others with alcoholic/addict partners. When we meet someone we’re getting to know who they are, what they’re about, what they believe. Two years is an ample amount of time to have a deep insight into who a person is. It sounds like there has been a progressive pattern of behavior. I saw that with my girlfriend too. We’ve dated for going on 8 months. There has been an undeniable pattern of ever increasing drinking/using followed by shorter and shorter periods of sobriety. We had all the same talks you mentioned in your post. It always seems that we’re in agreement on the severity of the situation, have an understanding of what needs to be done, and make declarations of renewed commitments. Sadly, the cycle begins again and we do it all over.
As wellnowwhat said, alcoholics/addicts are experts at hiding their use. My girlfriend ALWAYS TRIES to hide her drinking/using and ALWAYS lies about it if I make the foolish mistake of asking her about it. If your fiancé is really controlling his drinking that is wonderful. The thing I’ve come to realize, and that I’d suggest you consider, is that you CANNOT change or fix an alcoholic/addict’s using. “Others we cannot change, we can only love.” They have to want that for themselves. Often, as in my case, we actually harm their recovery with our loving good intentions. I’ve asked myself, “Can I accept my partner just as she is?” It’s a hard question and a large dose of reality. I hope for sobriety for her while acknowledging that relapses and all the horrible things that come with it are a very good possibility. Acceptance, for me, doesn’t disregard how I feel emotionally about the situation; it just means that I’m prepared to deal with the confusion, hurt, frustration, etc when I have to. It’s very important to have a healthy focus on your own well-being.
As for trust…well, we’ve all been there and probably still are. It’s quite unsettling how frequently my GF has been dishonest. I’d say 90% if it is related somehow to her use and the rest to her addictive personality. I deal with it by not allowing myself to become hyper vigilant (obsessed with her behavior and the legitimacy of it). That is part of acceptance. Of course there has to be a line. You know what you’re willing to accept and ABLE to forget. The brick that holds the whole thing together for me is that I have no doubt that my GF loves me. I find strength in that to continue to grow together and try to figure out this ever changing life. Good luck and take it slow.