upintheair

My fiance and I have been together for two years. The first year was great! He's kind, gentle, funny, sincere, thoughtful, attentive and a really good listener. We decided to get married. We've been engaged for a little over a year.

During the first year he rarely drank at all. The second year, a different story, he began to drink more and more. At first I wrote it off to typical divorced male stuff. But then he began to drink alone and a lot.

Typically he is a "happy drunk", but sometimes he would turns all pedantic and want to "debate".

We were on holiday and he drank about a twelve-pack every day. On several occasions he drank so much the night before that he wanted some "hair of the dog". He told me he was just enjoying his vacation too much. I asked him to slow it down, telling him that couldn't possibly be healthy. I never asked him not to drink. He said he would. He later confessed to me that he didn't slow down, he'd hidden it. I had suspected that but never accused him of such because I know I wouldn't appreciate that.

He works hard all week long. He drinks 1 beer nearly every day. On the weekends he goes harder. He'd gotten into the habit of drinking about six "tall cans" on Saturday and that much again on Sunday. He went through a bout of drinking Jack & Coke from the time he got off on Friday until Sunday night. He recently confessed to me that when he drinks Jack he can't stop, and that he was getting up (on the weekends only) and having it first thing in the morning to ward off the hangover from the night before and that would get it all started again.

I knew that he was drinking to much but had no idea how much(the liquid breakfast freaks me out). The reason he confessed this to me, which he did in a sober state, was because I'd had enough. When he drinks Jack Daniels he's not nice. He thinks he's all philosophical and debating, but he's really just being an obnoxious ass. I told him this. After having several rational conversations with him and telling him this isn't what I want in a spouse and that I will not be married to a drunk I'd had all I could take of it. I told him I've wasted enough of my life and that I'm not wasting another minute on someone who has no intention of being responsible or adult. I also told him I was fully aware that I have no control over what he does, but if this is the life he wants to live for him to please tell me now. I'll make my decisions from there as this isn't what I want and not how I'll live. He can stop the drunken stupors or I could walk. The choice was his. It took me some time to get to that point, but I mean it. I will. It isn't an empty threat.


That was two months ago. He hasn't been drunk since then. We had a long conversation about what it means to drink in moderation. He would say before, "Oh I'm having a beer". To him that meant a beer or ten. We talked about the fact that "having a beer" means just that "a" beer. One or two should be plenty and if he can't stop at that he shouldn't have any. I also told him that if that is the way he reacts to drinking Jack Daniels that Jack is NOT his friend and he needs to sever the relationship, which he's done. That doesn't mean he's stopped drinking. He does have one or two beers and then he's done. That is the way it has been for the last two months.

My question is how to build back trust. Because he hid these things from me, I wonder the next time he wants to do something he thinks I won't approve of will he just try to hide it? I've talked to him about this and he knows full well I have trust issues with him now. He says he doesn't want to lose me over alcohol and he's aware that he has to rebuild the trust he lost. He acknowledges the damage he's done to our relationship and would like the opportunity to earn back my trust. Having read the "quakers" portion of this forum I am now very wary of these proclamations.

At no point have I really been angry. The drinking scares the hell out of me. Even though I understand why he hid it from me(mostly because he was embarrassed) he still hid it and that's a problem. I explained to him how I feel and he took it like a man. He didn't get angry, nor did he make any excuses for his behavior.

Is it possible he's ready to grow up or am I just wishful thinking?