4MyMel

This is where I am. I can't seem to enjoy anything. I'm always waiting for when it's time to drink and if that time is prolonged I get angry and agitated! Horrible. Once it's time to drink, I don't remember anything anyways.

Yeah, I've been masking my feelings my whole life. It started with an eating disorder when I was 14, that turned to drinking when I went to college and then alternated between eating disorder and drinking since. Finally, 2 years ago, something came over me and the eating disorder "went away." I wonder if it was replaced with drinking, because that is when I started to drink more. This makes me scared too, what if the eating disorder comes back when I quit drinking. The first few weeks I find that my appetite actually goes away, but I haven't made it further than that in a long time.

My partner and I are ready to start our family and I've been doing test after test for the past 2 months it seems like. Everything came back normal somehow except that my progesterone levels are low! I did some reading and that could be due to poor diet and lack of exercise. So that's what's motivating me to quit, start exercising again and eat better. It's enough motivation for me.

Plus I really don't want to drink anymore. It does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for me. The feeling I used to have is gone. When I drink, I can't formulate my thoughts properly, I say things I shouldn't, I take everything out of proportion, I get sleepy and lathargic and just want to sleep. All alcohol does it take me out of my reality and I want to be in it. Plus, I used to think that my partner can't tell, but she has been able to tell all along and that's embarassing and I don't want to be that person anymore. Now that I know she knows, I can't even face her if I drink. It's more stress than it's worth.

Thanks everyone for listening.