She talked about how her illness was just too much for her husband, and that he had left her shortly after the diagnosis. She said they had been married for years and it came as a shock right when she was at her weakest moment. But then she laughed and said she guessed she just wasn’t that much fun to be around anymore; and that she didn’t have the energy for the social life they once had. She seemed resolved. I felt bad for her; but yet deep inside I felt worse for him.
Still do.
Kelley, for some reason it often seems like your language/outlook/opinion on how people deal with the addiction in their lives (theirs or someone they love) somehow comes off as personally insulting or superior. I have had my replies removed a couple of times because I have reacted, and I hope this one does not get removed...or worse I get a "mandatory break". Sometimes I am reacting out of my own personal hurt and other times I am reacting out of a sense of group consciousness. This is because I think sometimes that your messages can be shaming...especially to the newcomer.
There are two things being stated in your message above which I just would advise a new person, or a "relapsing codie" to consider.
One, is that there seems to be kind of an idyllic childhood described, which is great! However none of us need a perfect childhood to be compassionate, loving, forgiving individuals. There have been a few posts here which almost seem to describe a false correlation: that forgiveness/compassion/love/happy endings EQUALS staying with the addict. For many people here the misery that they continue to endure is NOT healthy. And it is NOT healthy for the relationship/for ANY relationship. There are many members here who describe how the fact that people finally "let go" of them helped them to gain clarity enough to get into recovery in a serious fashion.
YES, I subscribe/believe in the disease model of addiction. Different diseases require different treatment.
This is the second point...your final remark on the post about the husband leaving the wife at her weakest point. This comment can be so shaming and damaging that I cannot believe the moderators do not comment on it. And if I disappear it is because I retorted. Because this is one disease that is backward from any other disease I know. The people here who decide, with anguish, despair and a broken heart, to finally DETACH and LET GO because it is probably the absolute best thing they can do...do not need to hear some comparison to a man walking out on his wife because of her disease. Just because it is a disease does not mean that the support and love needed is that of a loved one...in fact it is very highly probable that the opposite is true. Codies are like sugar to the diabetic.
Please, for the health of this site and the group, please look inward and see if you are judging those who have had to walk away. I feel judged and shamed by you. Your comparisons really seem to speak to the idea that your "compassion, love and forgiveness" are what makes your "happy ending" come true. As though the others here who do not have the same outcome have failed in their capacity to do so...
this is codependency think.