Originally Posted by
incitingsilence 
To be clear this is for anyone who it might help…yet specifically to kelly because, there are absolutes in this…
1. You know nothing if it isn’t yours ( real tough pill to swallow for some, me included ), and this is important! Everyone can assign and speculate and wishful think away and even set something as a truth, but you still don’t know if it isn’t yours.
2. Hopping on ( in your head ) the using not using train will bite one in the ass. It isn’t about if they are using or not using … but what you can and won’t live with, tolerate in any respect, what you need, your dreams…what you are willing to do for yourself to have the best chance of knowing what you want and need in your life.
3. If each side does not work totally on themselves then there is no chance at any together. You can not be in a relationship with anyone in a healthy way if you are not taking care of you first….Oh and to add to that most with good recovery under their belt find they now have different relationships with everyone in their life, not just the one who happens to be an addict… this tends to be an absolute whether addiction is present or not, to have a happy healthy relationship you need to be happy and healthy within.
And this just isn’t about being with friends, doing nice things for yourself, having you own things and hobbies you like to do, anyone can justify any distraction as good for them … it is about understanding who you are, what makes you tick, what destroys you or lifts you up. It is about knowing what it good and not good for you own soul, knowing what you will not compromise of your own soul for anyone … about being able to love yourself, be comfortable alone, and at peace within….oh and once you find recovery for you then there is no wrestling with what to do, what not to do, you know, you just know.
4. This is one of my favorites and a good question for everyone to ask themselves are you so sure you know what functional is, what healthy is? Very few when they do look at themselves only ( when they do the work ) find they are here by accident there is always something internal for each action and reaction, for each new bottom one watching will aspire to… so I ask in general are you so sure you know what functional means, what is healthy as opposed to not healthy in any relationship you might have.
If you grew up in a home with abuse present (physical or mental), or had a parent who was an alcoholic/addict/codependent….If you lost someone to addiction, if you suffered some traumatic event when young, if you were an addict in your own right …This is a good starting point to finding some answers for you, to help you heal and guide you … the saying let it begin with me, isn’t around without good reason.
5. Another one of my favorites. No answer is found about yourself if you constantly are asking all questions through another, what they are/aren‘t doing, what their actions mean or don‘t mean, why they react this way or that…looking at your reflection is a start, looking with brutal honestly will save you above all else.
Surely there are many more things people can add through the experience they gained finding themselves. These above helped me to save myself...
Incitingsilence,
Thank you for sharing these things which have helped you in your journey. I just saw where you had included the note where you were directing it to me personally.
So I thought I should reply; even though I did already post some about my personal experience in recovery from codie-ism…..
Many of your points relate to the “self” and I think this is very important.
I feel that we all are products of our environment, our experiences, from things we learned as a child; growing up; with knowledge shared by our parents…..
I am fortunate that I came from a very stable family. I was never the victim of any abuse. There were never any addiction issues in my family; not drugs, not alcohol or anything that caused harm. My parents were married for over 50 years. They set a very good example for me as to what a relationship should be like. My parents were best friends. They were partners in life and in love. They treated each other with respect, kindness, thoughtfulness. They valued compromise, and never going to bed angry.
They taught me to have good values, and high standards. They also taught me to love freely, to have compassion, to respect and have empathy for others; for their journey might not be like ours. They taught me to believe in myself, to respect myself, to have goals and dreams, and they instilled in me the courage to pursue these things.
I was always taught to be independent; to be able to take care of myself emotionally, financially…. Because we never know what might come our way in life. No life goes unscathed… we are hit with unforeseen disasters from time to time, we fail, we are disappointed by people, we can even be betrayed by those we love.
People make mistakes, I was taught to forgive, to forget, and if necessary to let go. We are responsible for ourselves; and we are ultimately responsible for how we are treated by others; because we always have a choice.
But my parents also taught me that if you truly love yourself…. And you feel safe in who you are…. Then you have no reason to fear sharing the treasures in your life. You don’t have to cling so tightly to yourself that you become self centered; closed off, and incapable of feeling for fear of getting hurt. If you love yourself then you can let these things in, and you can also let them out.
By subscribing to this philosophy, I can say with confidence that the choice I made to fall in love with a man that has underlying issues with “self” leaves me with no regrets.
MY BF was not as lucky as I was; his journey in life has had a lot of bends and breaks starting for him at a young age; and the damages to “self” are what I believe has caused him to abuse drugs. This philosophy is what his treatment is centered around; the focus is on healing “the inner self” and not just treating the symptom of drugs. I wont go into the whole concept of his recovery here; because this forum is predominately based in 12 steps; and other views are often criticized; and discussion sadly leads to locked threads.
Interesting fact I discovered, the model of AA, NA treats addiction as a chronic disease. This encompasses many things: cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, diabetes…… overall the success in relationships for people with any type of chronic disease is dismal. So this would mean families of drug addicts are not alone with this statistic.
Thinking about this made me recall a memory …..one time when I was in the chemo room with my mom; we were chatting with this sweet middle aged woman; she was hooked up to machines that pumped lifesaving medicine to her body. She talked about how her illness was just too much for her husband, and that he had left her shortly after the diagnosis. She said they had been married for years and it came as a shock right when she was at her weakest moment. But then she laughed and said she guessed she just wasn’t that much fun to be around anymore; and that she didn’t have the energy for the social life they once had. She seemed resolved. I felt bad for her; but yet deep inside I felt worse for him.
Still do.