Here I sit, with my decaf iced tea (to help my oral fixation) Tea is my daytime comfort, but I won't dare have caffine at night... My anxiety and insomnia are already kicking my butt!! I would drink a bottle of wine or 3/4 of a BIG BOTTLE a night. I often wonder how others "quit drinking" when NOONE else sees it as a problem!!?? I guess the same reason I "convinced all around me that my marriage to my alcoholic ex-husband was perfect" until the day that I woke up and decided that was not the life for me. Yet, even his very own family had NO IDEA he is an alcoholic. Maybe it is because his entire family are very sucessful functioning alcoholics themselves...Three months later my little brother died at 22 on a motorcycle. So, I found myself the epitome of what I HATED AND COULD NOT LIVE WITH ANYMORE. How do I justify leaving my daughter's (2 yrs old at the time, now 5 yrs old) father for "being that person" THAT I HAVE BECOME!!?? WOW, is this why I find it hard to stop??!! I am SO hard on myself when I am sober!! Why do I not feel like a million bucks?? Why do I feel like crying?? Shouldn't I have more energy? I even told my doctors HONESTLY how much I drink and they think it is OKAY!! How do I continue to change when others "adore" who I am NOW?? Why am I the only one that has a problem with ME drinking like that?? I should probably trust myself more than others... So, here I am... I HAVE TO CHANGE!!
