Sounds like there are a lot of things in your mind and heart that need to be sifted through, each on their own, before being able to really confront it all. You can't take a whole army down in one fell swoop, but you can take out one soldier at a time. I started counseling at a local University by me last week, once a week, and brought my addiction up. My counselor was very supportive and is going to help work it into my therapy to dig up all those feelings and emotions and find out if/what I was running/hiding from and all that. They have some really good ideas that I would have otherwise not known. Maybe that's something you could look into as well. It was scary at first, but I feel so much better knowing I'm actually confronting this properly and not just trying to dig through it all on my own. Good luck brother.