Making amends....I need to understand
I am re-posting this thread in this forum - I posted in another one and I would like the friends and family community to look at it....
I was married to an active alcoholic for 16 years. Unfortunately, he was never able to get better. When we divorced, I did not want him to make amends to me because I was so angry. I have been working with a therapist for almost two years and have made progress. It is slow, but I think I am doing well and am optimistic.
Here goes.....I am now re-married...oddly enough to an RA. He is deep in his program and doing very well. We have spoken at length about both our lives and we are deeply connected. I encourage his program, it is good for him and I both.
The thing is.....he wants to meet with an ex to make amends. This was his first love and he did some very terrible things to her and her family. He is making amends to all of them. I understand and support that.
I'm not sure I understand the process of making amends though. He wants to meet her face to face, can't do it over the phone and it seems very secretive, private. It gives the impression that the amends is coming from a place of love and endearment....like an intimate thing that lovers would share. Their text messages get racy, even though I'm sure he doesn't feel that way for her, it's nostalgia. He was 15 when he started using and he has been sober for 14 months....remember that thing they say about a person's emotional stage stopping when they start abusing? Not sure he realizes that those messages are hurtful. Am I wrong? Is it private because it comes from a place of shame? Am I wrong about that too?
We talk about a lot of things...and we have talked about this and I really don't want to bring it up with him again. I just wanted an outside opinion from others in the community.........thanks everyone.....