KelleyF

Got it.

So when I came to SR, my BF that I had known for about 8 months… had just overdosed on cocaine. And I walked in and found him on the floor and called 911. His heart stopped twice and he almost died even after he got to the hospital. It was not an Ok experience…

It was also shocking to me because even though I knew he had used drugs in the past; it had never been part of our lives. So seeing it enter into my life was unexpected.

When I met my BF he had only been off cocaine for about 2 months. He gave me full disclosure to his past; he probably left things out; but he made it sound quite terrible; and there was not much there to show it had any redeeming qualities. But he said that he was done. So I believed him . He also warned me he could slip up again… but I didn’t really think he would.

So during the first 8 months of our relationship; he was not on drugs. I did not worry about him going back to drugs. I did not spy on him, or doubt his words. I did not have any codie tendancies. I just lived my life like normal; and gradually fell in love with this man. We had a great relationship; I was treated incredibly well and shown complete love and respect.

After his OD; I fell apart for about a month. While he was in hospital I went through all his stuff looking for signs he had been using for a long time and not telling me. I looked in his car, phone, computer. I never found anything
I went 24/7 thinking about his situation, learning about cocaine, looking at websites. I have to laugh now… because I even kept notes on things I was told by his dad, or by BF when he was in the hospital. That is when I found SR. I told my story being very honest and sounding very naive. I was basically told he was bad; I should leave him and never look back. People questioned everything about our relationship and made me have serious doubts. So I spent a lot of time reviewing our whole history. People thought there was something wrong with me because I should have never got involved with him in the first place. So I spent a lot of time questioning myself.

I had pretty much become a full blown codie…. I was even scrambling looking through my notes to ask them questions; once I remember trying to ask was the quantity of drugs he said he bought that night a lot. I didn’t know anything about how to measure drugs… so I wrote down what he said he bought. It was an ounce… and how many grams are in an ounce? Is that a lot I aksed? ….. I had stopped doing any of the things I enjoyed; I didn’t return phone calls, emails, got out of my normal exercise routine, wasn’t sleeping; not eating well. Came really close to missing registration for my grad school classes… that helped me realize that this was all really affecting me.

SR helped me understand that if my BF decided to return to using drugs then that was his choice, and it had nothing to do with me… and I couldnt really do anything to make him stop. So for a while I thought I had to break up with him as I couldn’t handle living this way; the fear of the unknown, doubting him, worrying…

But there are a couple things… I knew that I would be ok on my own even if I left him; financially and emotionally. My parents spoiled me almost rotten but they taught me early lessons - that I could do anything; be anything; and that I didn’t have to rely on anyone ever. I always have a choice. No one is responsible for my happiness, but me.

Im basically an optimistic and happy person. I have had tragedy in my life; I’ve been hurt by people and events; I’ve suffered disappointments… but I’ve always been able to flip them around … learn from them.. take something away from the experience to make me a better person.

And as far as what finally broke my codie ways… It was the realization that I didn’t have to live like a codie… didn’t have to live in fear…..The solution was explained to me by my BF. I told him all about my anxiety and asked him tons of questions; and in the end he asked me to do the following: let HIM handle this; don’t obsess, don’t try to figure out the puzzle of why, don’t feel responsible, don’t feel guilty, don’t worry all the time. Treat him as Normal like I had been doing when I thought he was “fine”: expect of him normal things, don’t let him off the hook; don’t change who I am to try to accommodate what I think he needs. And if he fails being what I need…. Then I let him go.

Somehow hearing him say that freed me…..

Below is a post I made on SR after I reached this conclusion … It all still stands today:

Today…. is Christmas Eve

….at least a repeat of it for me and my RABF. (for those that dont know, he OD the night before Christmas Eve day and was in the ICU unconcious for the official holiday)

My RABF has a plan; only time will tell if he sticks with it; only time will tell if he relapses again; but Im happy because he has a plan; and Im hopeful because at my core that is just who I am.

I hope HE will take care of himself; I hope God will take care of him; I hope that I will put myself first and take care of myself…. and somehow all this will mix together and together we will be happy.

I went with my RABF to his first Dr appointment. His dad went too; yes it was an entourage. He was nervous; he doesn’t like to talk about himself and he has a lot of bad stuff that he needs to deal with. While he started this, his dad and I went to the café across the street and ate pie.

We talked too. It was a good talk. I need to think about some of the things he said to me; maybe put some of them here so I never forget them; like many of you parents; he has had years of dealing with his sons addiction and his own related issues.

We were waiting for him when he was done. Told him we had been across the street. He remarked about us going to relax and eat pie while he had to see the Dr. But the tension breaker came when his dad told him that if he was ever to come home and find one of us lying on the floor dying because of an overdose; then it would be us getting our heads examined while he ate the pie. And another OMG moment – we brought him a piece of pie anyway.

Me and the RABF had a long talk when we were alone back at his new place. I told him all about my anxiety and asked him tons of questions; and in the end he asked me to do what you guys have been saying all along; let HIM handle this; don’t obsess, don’t try to figure out the puzzle of why, don’t feel responsible, don’t feel guilty, don’t worry all the time; Treat him as normal like I had been doing when I thought he was “fine”; expect of him normal things; don’t let him off the hook; don’t change who I am to try to accommodate what I think he needs. And if he fails me then let him go.

Somehow hearing him say that freed me…..I know ….hearing HIM ….say that freed…. ME. Not good that I felt that way…….

Yesterday, He did what his dad asked him to do.
He turned his medical power of attorney over to his dad & his best friend for the next 3 months. Went to his family doctor and set up weekly drug test with any failed test being reported to them. And went for another session with the psychologist and accepted the 3x week proposal; with an agreement that they will be informed if he misses any appointments.

This was really difficult for him. And Im proud of him.

Today is our Christmas Eve and tomorrow is our Christmas……

….and I finally get to see whats in those boxes under my greenish/brown tree ….especially the one with the silver bow …it makes a sound when you shake it.

That is my story of Recovery. The 3 months are almost up for my BF… he is doing perfect. But there are lots of changes headed our way soon. Im sure I will be needing the support of SR through parts of it.

If my story can truly help anyone in anyway... then Im glad to share……..