To be clear this is for anyone who it might help…yet specifically to kelly because, there are absolutes in this…
1. You know nothing if it isn’t yours ( real tough pill to swallow for some, me included ), and this is important! Everyone can assign and speculate and wishful think away and even set something as a truth, but you still don’t know if it isn’t yours.
2. Hopping on ( in your head ) the using not using train will bite one in the ass. It isn’t about if they are using or not using … but what you can and won’t live with, tolerate in any respect, what you need, your dreams…what you are willing to do for yourself to have the best chance of knowing what you want and need in your life.
3. If each side does not work totally on themselves then there is no chance at any together. You can not be in a relationship with anyone in a healthy way if you are not taking care of you first….Oh and to add to that most with good recovery under their belt find they now have different relationships with everyone in their life, not just the one who happens to be an addict… this tends to be an absolute whether addiction is present or not, to have a happy healthy relationship you need to be happy and healthy within.
And this just isn’t about being with friends, doing nice things for yourself, having you own things and hobbies you like to do, anyone can justify any distraction as good for them … it is about understanding who you are, what makes you tick, what destroys you or lifts you up. It is about knowing what it good and not good for you own soul, knowing what you will not compromise of your own soul for anyone … about being able to love yourself, be comfortable alone, and at peace within….oh and once you find recovery for you then there is no wrestling with what to do, what not to do, you know, you just know.
4. This is one of my favorites and a good question for everyone to ask themselves are you so sure you know what functional is, what healthy is? Very few when they do look at themselves only ( when they do the work ) find they are here by accident there is always something internal for each action and reaction, for each new bottom one watching will aspire to… so I ask in general are you so sure you know what functional means, what is healthy as opposed to not healthy in any relationship you might have.
If you grew up in a home with abuse present (physical or mental), or had a parent who was an alcoholic/addict/codependent….If you lost someone to addiction, if you suffered some traumatic event when young, if you were an addict in your own right …This is a good starting point to finding some answers for you, to help you heal and guide you … the saying let it begin with me, isn’t around without good reason.
5. Another one of my favorites. No answer is found about yourself if you constantly are asking all questions through another, what they are/aren‘t doing, what their actions mean or don‘t mean, why they react this way or that…looking at your reflection is a start, looking with brutal honestly will save you above all else.
Surely there are many more things people can add through the experience they gained finding themselves. These above helped me to save myself...