Originally Posted by Krystal32

Hi Krismarie212 and welcome to SR. First I want to say that it is such a good thing that you have found your way here. You will find a tremendous amount of support here and gain a lot of knowledge.

I can relate to the situation that you are in. I have been with my fiance for 3 years and we have 2 children together. He just completed 50 days of inpatient rehab on the 20th of last month, so he is VERY early into his recovery. I am one that has chosen to stay with him and support him. When I first joined SR back in December, the responses I got were VERY overwhelming and some of it did bring me to tears because people had encouraged me to look at my situation from a point of view that I never had before. It helped open my eyes to the big picture and realize the horrible things that could happen should my fiance choose not to remain sober. These were things that I never wanted to think about or consider cause it hurt too much and it scared the hell out of me but I finally did open up to the possiblities of the bad things that COULD happen. Now, I stress COULD because that doesn't mean that it WILL happen. There is no way to know what will happen. What I do know is I am no longer blind to how things could take a turn for the worse and I have taken the steps that I needed to to make sure that I get myself and my children out of the situation if it starts to spiral out of control. But I don't sit here everyday waiting for my fiance to mess up and start using again. If he's going to relapse, that's on him, not me. If he's going to stay clean, that's on him, not me. I'm just enjoying the NOW. He's doing well and embracing his recovery in the best way that works for him. And I am still very new into my recovery as a codependent but I do have a much better sense of self now. I don't obsess over him 24/7 and constantly question if he's doing what he should be. I know he's doing what he should cause it shows in his attitude and in his actions.

What I want to share with you is no matter what you decide to do, DON'T LOSE YOURSELF. This is the biggest mistake I made in the midst of my fiance's active drug use. I completely lost who I was cause I became obsessed with him and his addiction and always trying to "fix" him. I went through a lot of yelling and screaming and crying before I realized that none of that helped anything. It didn't help him and it certainly didn't help me. It just made things worse. My fiance had to hit bottom before he made the choice to stop and he checked himself into rehab. His bottom had nothing to do with me, nothing to do with things that I said to him or did to him. It was a series of unfortunate events and it was a swift kick on the ass for him. And now that he's clean and he's wanting that life without drugs, I am here to support him 100% but in a HEALTHY way. No more enabling him whatsoever.

So many people told me that I needed to leave him, that he was no good but you know what? As much as people said this to me, I wasn't going to leave or stay because of what SOMEONE ELSE was telling me to do. I've made the choice to stay cause I feel that's the right thing to do. If I choose to leave, that's going to be MY choice to make, not anyone else's. What I'm trying to say is everyone is going to give you advice based off of their experiences but what it really comes down to is what YOUR decision is, what YOU feel is the right thing to do. Take from this forum what best applies to you and leave the rest. I have made the choice to stay by my fiance but I do so with caution. I do so with my eyes WIDE OPEN. I have boundaries set in place for myself so I can protect myself and my children. I wouldn't have gained this strength and this knowledge if it weren't for this site. You need to establish boundaries for yourself cause if he starts to go back down that road of using, you don't want to be dragged down with him. Believe me, I've been there and it's ugly. It's made me stronger as a person but I REFUSE to go back down that road again and my fiance is very aware of that. It's really up to you how much you are willing to take and endure. All you can do is do the best with what you know now. But I will say again, DON'T LOSE YOURSELF. Love him and support him and do all that you feel is the right thing to do but don't lose yourself in the process. It is possible for you and him to pull through this and have a successful future together but that's only possible if he stays committed to his sobriety and you stay committed to taking care of yourself. I don't even know what's in store for my fiance and myself, only time will tell and the same goes for you and your BF.


Should you choose to stay with him and things take a turn for the worse and you fall flat on your face, then you pick yourself back up and learn from it. It's not the end of the world, just learn from your mistakes and apply it to the future. The point of this forum is to help you see things from all perspectives and to receive support no matter what choices you make. Some things that people will say will seem a little harsh but it's all to help you see the situation from every point of view. Just keep an open mind and try not to let it overwhelm you. Sorry if I rambled, I have a habit of doing that

I do wish the very best for you and your boyfriend and I hope you two can pull through this together.

Take care
Krystal