Good Morning - First I want to extend many many thanks, and appreciation for everyone's insight, and kind words. Everything said has hit home with what I've already been thinking and feeling. Sometimes you feel so alone in this situation, wondering if anyone else has gone through anything this insane! I have been truly blessed to have the support of really great people, my family and friends. Yet, not a single one of them have walked in my shoes, or gone thru what I have. So it's hard to relate, or because the situation is different. So thank you again
It's means so much!
KuanYin - I couldn't of said it better. He has never been actually present for me. I always felt like I couldn't get enough, always hungry and empty even when he was sitting right beside me. Some days were just so empty, and I felt like I was living, and loving a shell. My needs were never met because his addiction, his quench/thirst was priority. He's still in active addiction, and has no plans, or as far as I'm concerned want, to be in recovery. He gets pleasure, out of being 'wounded'. He actually uses it to pick up women, and manipulate.
When we broke up, he moved in with the girl he cheated on me with.. 5 minutes down the road. Over the holidays they broke up, and he moved again.. this time 2 streets away from me. He walks to work, and my apt is on his direct path to work. When they broke up, he called me, stopped by my house, everything, wanted to do 'right' he said, wanted me back, said he made the biggest mistake of his life, etc ,etc. They call that quacking right?! lol The first month we talked, and discussed what elements had to change, and within another month after that, he was right back to where he was before. Made me realize that, the person who comes out after a month or 2, is him. That's the real him. The other is a fake, and only lovable, supportive, and understanding.. when's hes high. All fake. All synthetic.
I'll be patient with myself, and Lesliej, you are right, I have, we all have, been thru a war zone. It'll take time, and I'm going to keep doing the readings, coming on here, and get to some Nar Anon meetings. I don't want to carry this with forever, I want to learn from it, heal, and keep moving on. Speaking of moving, that's my next step. I have to move out from a 1 mile radius of him.. I don't feel safe or happy in my home anymore. It's also, the same apt we lived in together. So it's time.. and I believe it'll be a good change.