Thank you everyone. This morning I woke up, stumbled to the kitchen for coffee not knowing where I would find him or what state the house will be in and I realized I don't respect this man. I know that sounds oversimplified, I haven't respected him ever probably, because we never loved each other we just acted out our unresolved childhood issues with each other.
But this is a little different. My neighbors love each other, Lenny and Aura. The respect each other, treat each other with respect, care about each other, help each other, listen to each other.
They have shown me, up close for a year now, what I've seen other couples do from afar for some time. My parents weren't able to show me what two loving parents working together looks like. And even when I started to see other friends who partnered well together, it only upset me. Hurt me because we didn't have that.
Yesterday, Lenny was outside playing basketball with his little boy, asking questions about his day, what he saw what he did.
AH can't do that. Or won't or whatever it doesn't matter, the point is it doesn't happen. He starts drinking before he leaves work, arrives smelling like booze and, because one of the "deals," to him living here is that he not drink around us, he goes outside to clean the garage or work in the yard while he drinks.
He's utterly alone, bumbling around the perimeter of the house, orbiting the kids and me like an intoxicated, wobbly moon, pretending he's not drinking and interacting with us when he has to.
It's been like this forever. Only, I used to be so angry, so hurt. I knew our relationship isn't what I want, but I didn't accept it.
Now I know he's not what I want, now I am free of that longing, that pain and only want to see what I can do on my own with my kids. He deserves to have a woman who loves and respects him, and that ain't me.
I"m so excited about not having to live with him anymore. I have a huge event April 7 and after that I'm going to hopefully be able to pick up more work, get my taxes back, fix my car so that it's reliable and move out to the country where my sister and cousin live.
At least that's my plan this morning. Rent will be so much cheaper out there. I looked at a house to rent around the corner from here and it was $1350 for a 900 sq foot home. That's the going rate in town anyway.
I don't want to live in a little apartment with both boys, two little dogs and a big orange cat. I'll find a little house with land instead. Will have to use my taxes to rent a place, being self employed with no credit will be a barrier to housing but I really don't care.
Hope you all have a happy Monday!
