Dear TCB5568,
Thanks for coming here and for sharing this story.
I grew up in an alcoholic home and I know from experience how bad and insane it can be.
My mom divorced my alcoholic father about 35 years ago. However, I still have memories burned in my brain of my father's unpredictable behavior. When I was a child, I desperately tried to make sense of the chaos. Children often blame themselves and then carry this shame into their adulthood.
Your story reminded me something that happened in our house when I was 8 years old (I'm almost 50 now). My father came home drunk one night with pizza. My brother, sister, and I were so excited because we had pizza AND my father was actually home (he spent most of his time at the bars). As young children often do, my 2 year old brother accidently poured a lot of hot peppers onto the pizza. My father shoved my brother away and he flew across the room.
The picture that is burned in my brain is of my mother, sister, brother, and me huddled together and being scared of what he was going to do next. The mood in the home went from happy to terrified in a split second.
My brother has since gone on to really struggle with his life. He's in his early forties and has never married, has a difficult time working, and blames the world for his problems (just like my dad did).
For the longest time, whenever I got frustrated with my brother I would think back to that scared 2 year old boy whose father pushed him across the room simply because he was excited and caught up in the moment of having his "Daddy" home.
Wow, didn't mean to share so much!
I'm sorry that you are going through this, but am glad that you came here for support.
Please keep yourself and your children safe.
Hugs,
db