I think he is noticing my distance the past few days as I have been "waking up." He keeps asking if I m ok-my answer is NO-you used me up and then discarded me like a dixie cup. He says he always loved me, but basically he wanted his cake and eat it too. I told him yesterday that it's pretty obvious that he made a choice to step out rather than do anything to improve things and that it was all about him above all else, that hedid not have any respect for me. No wonder-I have been his doormat, more like a mother the last few years, esp. Ugh.
The more I look back, the more I can see it's all about him. He always has some kind of drama that requires attention. And yet-in Fall of 09, I had female surgery that did not go well, almost bled to death. He did come to the hosp when I went in-but afterward I was in the hosp days longer than planned b/c I had to get a lot of blood. Never brought me flowers or anything. It sounds petty now-but I recall being hurt by that. When they made me walk up and down the hall I could see into all the other womens rooms. They all had flowers,ballons-my room was starkly empty. I tried totell myself it was not important, but-I came close to death!
English Garden-the image you paint re the labyrinth and the rope is apt-thank you and everyone for your support. This is the sanest place I have to go right now.