Thanks for all your comments they make perfect sense and help to sort the jumble of thoughts.
The rights and wrongs yo-yo in my mind and I know that if you search hard enough you can always find a justification for an action or a second opinion to support the theory you most want to believe.
In most ways I always felt we had a fairly healthy relationship sharing different roles - he's better at housework and everyday I come home from work to a clean and tidy house, washing done odd repair jobs complete. I'm better at the money, sorting the bills etc and it seemed balanced. The majority of the time money in the house has always been there and remained safe just a few pound spent by him if needed outside the weekly shop. It's been about 3 occasions now when he has slipped and ok that has meant about £300 pounds over the last 3 months wasted in my opinion so if taking a little bit more of the responsibility at the moment helps is that wrong?
We nuture children because they are in a development stage and they need it - once we reach adulthood is that it? Do we never require further development - is that me being codependent again?
I feel I need to just practise a mantra that got me through a difficult period of illness in my life where I reminded myself that I cannot control the actions, thoughts, feelings and words of another - that way if his recovery stumbles or relapses I can make decisions based on what is best for me.
I know that I will definitely continue to visit and actively use this site as it helps to be reminded that we are not in this alone in any path in life, there is always help and guidance there if we chose to embrace it.