This is only my second day on the site but I am so relieved to have joined because the jumble of questions and thoughts in my head are becoming clearer already.
I have been questioning how much of my behaviour had been 'enabling' my boyfriends crack addiction and if what I saw as help was in fact the opposite - thanks cynical one for helping find the conclusion – but what is helping?
I found out about 3 months ago about his habit and it's taken that long to come clean about the effects on me. I had walked around with a do's and don’ts list of 'when a loved one has a drug problem' in my bag and it was my mantra for a while. I learnt that heated responses, pleading, threats and bribe were not going to work.
For the first time he described his use as a problem and discussed some of the contributing factors but also accepting they are not excuses for his behaviour. I know that any action has to be his choice and he has decided he can quit cold turkey – I have to respect his choice and part of me hopes he isn’t just telling me what I want to hear On previously occasions he has been protective of his habit this time it feels different – how many times have you heard that??? He has asked to give him 3 months to prove himself and to get clean but without help from doctor/rehab/group I accept there will possibly be a lapse and I won’t show him that negative impression but I want to ensure I am strong and well informed if there is.
So on his choice he has given up his ATM card with me giving a small allowance each day, only renewing if there is evidence that he has spent the money – I don’t quiz him just I’m aware if there is fresh bread, newspaper etc and he works from home so his outgoings are small. I am therefore responsible for ensuring the basics like food and toiletries are in the house and ensuring his personal bills are paid but with his money. Clearly he doesn’t want the temptation of having access to money but if he asks for the card back do I have the right to refuse?
We make sure we talk everyday in a willing and non-threatening. I ensure that I am positive and supportive without letting go of the fact that the choices of how he lives are his responsibility and when he apologises for how things have been I ask him to accept that we can move forward not to forget what has led us to this point but also not to get bogged down with guilt.
Am I helping or enabling?
