Step 1 - AA
Hi, Sober Recovery.
Thanks for the step board. I never really cared for the word surrender. It casted an ugly shadow in the light of my true self. It felt like an act of betrayal on my part, like I was committing alcoholic treason, somehow. Admitting defeat was not in my vocabulary either, nor was my desire to sober up. I had too, unfortunately, not by choice though. It wasn't until the drink got the best of me that I was finally able to surrender. Even then, it was a stretch. Basically, I had to let go absolutely; and when I did something amazing happened, I felt freedom for the very first time.
When I finally discovered the horrible truth behind my alcoholism, I felt aghast. I felt disgusted with the image of my alcoholic self, plain and simple. And that was only the beginning. I was never too comfortable with “AA’s” definition of the term ‘alcoholic’ as described in “AA’s” first step. Nor was I a fan of the words ‘personal powerlessness’ or ‘unmanageability’ either. The mere mention of either/or would make my alcoholism cringe. I thought personal powerlessness meant defeatism, and defeatism wasn’t an option for me, especially a man of my stature. The idea did slowly grow on me -though not at first, as did the prospect of long term sobriety. And “AA’s” first step had a lot to do with that. Here’s “AA’s” definition of the first step -in my words of course: "Nothing good will come of step 1 until we first admit complete defeat”. How true. Bill W. penned a similar principle in step one that I feel is invaluable also and it goes like this: "We know that little good can come to any alcoholic who joins A.A. unless he has first accepted his devastating weakness and all its consequences. Until he so humbles himself, his sobriety--if any--will be precarious at best. Of real happiness he will find none at all. Proved beyond doubt by an immense experience, this is one of the facts of A.A. life. The principle that we shall find no enduring strength until we first admit complete defeat is the main taproot from which our whole Society has sprung and flowered". How true. This was my jumping off point, and one I needed to realize most of all. I had to surrender, totally, before I could be set free.
My life started to improve after that. And so did my outlook on sobriety. I not only experienced an immense spiritual awakening, but a growing sense of direction towards anything divinely related. I was finally given the freedom to enjoy life today and do so like never before. What seemed like a mistake at first became a self fulfilling prophecy 10 years in the making. I had experienced my first real taste of life outside the confines of my active alcoholism, culminating ever so gently into the sober life I enjoy today. It was my first real breakthrough in sobriety, thank God, and I haven’t looked back since. The life I never knew started to take shape, as I began to purse my dreams in a manner reserved only for alcoholics ‘in recovery’. Basically, I was finally able to put a "plug in the jug", thanks to “AA”, and I started to enjoy life again as a result.
Life, as I know it today, has gotten so much better. And I continue to enjoy the vast riches of this sober life in and out of this program. I’m afforded certain luxuries today that so few alcoholic’s can ever fathom - including the freedom to pursue my goals without the damaging effects of alcohol anymore. But only with everyone’s support, that is. The journey I’ve been on hasn’t been easy -not by any stretch, but it has been fulfilling. I enjoy life today with all its comforts and it gets better with age, but it came with a price. And one I’ll never forget. The priceless gift of sobriety can only be enjoyed within the confines of this wonderful fellowship, not without –a concept I subscribe too mostly. With everyone’s continued support, however, any one of us can turn what was once a subpar existence into a life full of meaning and purpose. And For that we say…thank you.
~God Bless~