STUCKinFL

hello all. this is my first post here at sober recovery. i found this site by googling "oxycodone addiction" and started reading peoples stories and all the responses from the nice people here. well heres my story.

started taking vicodin 5mg and lortab 10mg (which ever was available) probably 4 years ago. i had no medical need for them but some of my friends were messing with them so i decided to try em. i would split the vics in half and would feel great. theyd make me start cleaning everything, tackling all my laundry, doing school work like it was fun. they made work fun. they made anything and everything fun. i never became addicted nor dependent on hydrocodone tho. i would take them when they were available and when they werent, it was no big deal. sometimes i would buy 10-15 tab 10's and only take a few of them and end up having the rest just sitting in my medicine cabinet for a "rainy" day. never experienced any form of w/d's when i didnt have them or went weeks without them.

then one day a friend showed up with a little blue pill. he split it in half. then he split the halves in half. so me and 3 of my friends all had a 1/4 of one. we all snorted our 1/4. nothing has been the same since. the pill was oxycodone 30mg. for a few months a 1/4 of one was all i needed for an entire day. a few months down the road and i was snorting a 1/4 of one pill, twice a day. then 3 times a day. then i started doing a 1/2 at a time. as im sure many of you know all too well, doing a 1/2 at a time didnt last long either. soon enough i was doing the whole 30mg in one line.

fast forward about 2 years and here i am. addicted to oxycodone. its now to the point where i wont do less than 2 30's at a time. doing 1 or even 1 and a half is a waste in my mind because i wont get a drip or even feel it. ive been down to about 60mg to 180mg (2-6 30's) a day lately only because i cant afford anymore. at my worst i was doing 700mg-800mg (24-26 30's) a day (had my own prescription, could have never afforded that many if buying them on the street).

today is friday (3/9/12) and until about an hour ago, my last dose (60mg) was monday morning (3/5/12). when i woke up this morning i was technically on day 5. ive been taking suboxone durring those 5 days but still. now i feel like complete **** because i just broke down and did 2 today.

so ******* stupid. i was on day 5. i had already taken about 1mg of suboxone this morning so i dont even feel the 2 oxys i just did!!!!!! wtf is wrong with me???? now i only have 1 suboxone left and a half of 1 xanax bar. im going to use the suboxone and xanax to get me past the hump with w/d's.

i have to get clean and STAY CLEAN. my whole life depends on it right now. i just moved out of my parents house and got a place with my sister. rent is due on april 1st. i have $20 to my name right now and have the electric bill, water bill, phone bill, credit card bills, along with the rent all coming due soon. my parents suspect im on something but now that i dont live at home anymore that isnt my biggest worry. my biggest worry is not being able to get clean and not being able to come up with my half of the bills and leaving my sister completely screwed. i work as a server so i leave with cash every night and that makes quitting even harder.

i have a very secure safe in my bedroom and tonight when i come home from work i am taking all of my stuff out of the safe and giving my sister the key to it. from now on every night when i come home from work im going to have my sister open the safe so i can drop money into it, and im going to have her not allow me to take any money out of the safe except for bills.

wow i cant believe how much ive typed. sorry this was so long. to anyone who read the entire thing, thank you. i have made it past the physical w/d's many many times but the mental aspect is what always puts me back at square one. if anyone has any advice on how to beat the mental part of it, i would love to hear your ideas. thanks in advance, and thanks to everyone who took the time to read my story.