Pigtails: You ask about the divided self. I think I had a thread or at least a post on that awhile back. Anyway, there is the "beast within", which is what the AVRT folks talk about, that "lizard" brain in the bottom of your skull which, in its child like and compulsive manner, desperately wants its "bottle" back and is sending "witch messages" to the more rational parts of your brain to trick you into relapsing. As other posts to you have indicated this may be what's going on with you right now. Also, in another thread or posting I have speculated that even the more rational parts of the brain may have what I have termed a "toxic" parent, namely a more rational controlling part of the brain which in some cases may have become so self critical, compulsive, perfectionist and demanding that it may sabotage the recovery process by creating depression, so the person says, "Poor me! I'm no good. I can never recover!" I once heard a person in a meeting say that he couldn't even shave in the morning without first calling his sponsor he was so helpless. (Poor him!) and another ventured that she didn't "deserve" to recover so she took a drink every year just so she would never get a one year chip. So we have the "divided self". Don't trust yourself. Keep your focus on recovery, one day at a time and network with as many recovering folks you can since it's far better and safer as a group pilgrimage through these hazardous woods. If you try to go it alone you may have enemies within.
W.