Want to quit drinking, scared
Hi,
I'm 22 and a senior in college at a big party school. I started drinking when I was like 13 and as Ive gotten older blackouts and hangovers have become worse and routine. For the past year or so ive been working on drinking less and trying to be more of a "normal drinker" with varying success. Something always eventually goes wrong though and it doesnt talk long.
I've said many times before that I was going to stop drinking and then after a few days or a week I would feel better and decide it was okay again, but after that even if nothing BAD happened I would still feel sad that i drank the day after.
I'm scared because i dont trust myself when im drunk and ive done things that have put my relationship at risk. the man im with is very important to me and i feel he is the one, but im afraid i will do something to lose him. he is great and very understanding but everyone has their limits, plus i dont want to feel bad about my role in the relationship even if he could forgive infinitely or take the pain. i dont like who i am when i drink but i feel like i want to fit in so i do. i often hate myself for the things ive done when drunk, and not just in the context of my relationship, this has been going on for years before i even met him.
im afraid i cant do it and im afraid i can fail. i also have a hard time at home with my parents because my family is big on wine, everyday, so when i dont drink wine with them at dinner i feel like something is wrong with me, but often times a glass or two with dinner turns into me being drunk, acting shamefully, and being hungover the next day. this has been true since i was a freshman or sophomore in college with an almost 100% rate of bad things happening when i drink.
its also hard being at college and in that environment without drinking, especially since my school is in a rural area and although it is a large state school, offers little to do at night without drinking.
can someone please help me? i am so scared and ashamed and i really want to change my life for the better. the idea of not drinking and feeling healthier both physically and mentally excites me, but im afraid i will let myself down again. how do i make this time different!?
thank you!